Better Husbands Club YouTube Playlist

I've created a playlist on YouTube that features videos about improving our performance as husbands and dads, and a few other that deal with general improvement, etc.

VIEW THE BETTER HUSBANDS CLUB PLAYLIST

Establishing a Baseline for Your Marriage

In any ongoing effort or important project, you need to know where you began if you're going to measure your progress. It is my opinion that this discussion group, and the continuing work we need to do to improve our marriage, requires the same treatment.

I speak to some guys who don't particularly express a "need" to come to the meetings. Plainly put, and as some of them have actually said, "Things are pretty good," or "We're not in trouble, exactly," or some variation of phrasing.

Is it possible, that if there is a communication barrier, that you may not know whether or not you're "good" or "okay" or in need of some more serious work...from your spouse's perspective?

A Bold Challenge
One way to figure this out is by using a simple number rating system. Rate your marital happiness on a scale of 1 to 10. Using zero as getting a divorce (and knowing zero is not an option), how do you rate your marriage? It's a rough task, if you put too much thought into it. Maybe just give it 30 seconds. Come up with a number.

Then think for another 30 seconds and come up with a number that you think your spouse would say, and then ask your spouse to do the same.

This is a thought exercise, and one that might motivate deeper thought on your relationship.

I asked one guy about this specifically. He said, "Now, for me, in a fairly new marriage, I'd be curious. If I was married for a long time, I'd be kind of scared." Wouldn't you want to know?

You can decide to share your findings with your spouse, or not. If you think it's just going to start a fight, then there's already a conflict brewing below. It may be a real eye-opener, and one that helps you know where you're starting from, rather than where you think you are.

If You Don't Think About Your Marriage, It May Go Away

They say that if God didn't think about any one of us for even a moment, we would not exist. I'm not sure where I heard it, and while I have a difficult time grasping this concept (not in believing it, but in comprehending it), it does make sense.

It's possible inevitable that I try to overthink things, and unsurprisingly, I struggle to grasp it. Maybe there's no more to grasp than that--our existence came from and relies on God's love for us.

But the concept proves itself is when you see nature reflect it, and it is clearly manifested in our life. It's what analogies are made of.

I believe that there is strong correlation between how much a person thinks about their marriage and how well they conduct themselves in it. That's what this group is all about--stimulating thought and searching for a way to implement better behavior, communication, and interaction.

So the analogy is not so perfect that I could say if you don't think about your marriage, it will not exist, but if you're not thinking about it, there is much greater risk to that happy marriage.

Marriage is important. It deserves a lot of thought.

Would Limiting a Honey-do List to 3 Items Help You Complete It

This question came to me looking at my honey-do list, when it only had three items. I thought, "That's manageable." But it also showed priority. When there's a lot on the list, do you waste time wondering which to do first?

What are some of your honey-do best practices?

Comment below!

Sunday @ 2 Summary

Gentlemen,

We ended up having a nice time at the Riverside Park this afternoon. As it turned out, there were three of us there with some children, so we sat and met for a while as the children played. After we tired of hefty discussions of manliness, we played some music. I had an acoustic guitar and my daughter and I sang a few.

It was nice to answer a few questions about the guitar for the kids listening, and also a treat to see their faces as the stories unfolded in the song.

Maybe we'll see you next time.

The Value of Cheerfulness, and Whether to Buy it or Inspire It

While most of my posts are directed at husbands and fathers, here's one that is important from the other perspective.

A friend posted a pretty interesting tidbit titled "5 Things I Did that Felt Good Today" on Facebook.

Her list was as follows:

• Fed my elderly neighbors produce from my garden
• Sprayed my son and his friend with a hose
• Shoved my husband into a dark closet and made him kiss me because he was being too grumpy
• Made a sign and marched in a Citizen Action led protest against budget cuts that would hurt the most vulnerable populations
• Sent resist-bot messages to my senators

So nice to hear someone just feel good by spreading some goodness, but as you might guess from the website you're reading this on, number 3 was, to me, phenomenal.

It's not just about cheering on the guy who got wowed by his wife. This was my response to her post:

Also think number 3 is tremendous. It's hard to show love in that situation and it's sometimes hard to realize what's going on: if you do that and feel like you're rendering payment for his cheerfulness, it could wear on you, but you are inspiring cheerfulness, which I think feels different and leaves a different mark in your spirit.

She returned:

Great thing you're picking up on here Ben. Even more so, it's accepting your partner where they are at, with no expectation of altering them -that is healing in and of itself. Loving them anyway, or especially because they are In a bad mood and in need of some love. 

It was pretty moving to see someone know that negative feelings like this, negative outward expressions, are oftentimes involuntary. Or maybe not involuntary, because emotions can be largely controlled by intellect, but, I guess, natural. They're usually a cry for support, a warning to be given some time, etc.

Spouses don't get grumpy because they want to make their spouse feel bad, but that is what can easily happen. Unless the receiving spouse has the foresight to turn that attitude on its ear, take that frown and turn it upside down, if that's not too cliche.

It's hard not to take a "down" attitude personally, like they're trying to say you are a cause, or somehow responsible for it. It's not your fault, and it takes a huge helping of charity to show affection to try to break a spouse out of a funk.

Sometimes, a grumpiness can just be a guy being pensive, and trying to work something out in his mind. If that's the case, he needs time for that to happen, and again, it's not your fault.

But when he's got no stated reason to be moping around, maybe a bold action of love is just the thing to bring him out.

And keep in mind, there is only a subtle difference between burdening yourself with the feeling that you have to pay your way to a happy husband, rather than showing love to inspire him to brighten up his 'tude. It's a subtle difference, and the only place the difference is felt is in your attitude, in your spirit.

But I'm not a woman, so...thoughts?

Group Booklet

I just wanted to get the link to the booklet we're working with here so I can easily reference it. Also, it's a nice little outline of what this is about in PDF form.

https://drive.google.com/open?id=0B8DfjCPV-gxkQmNUZXViNXZmNEU

Discussion Topic: Let's talk about permission and comfort

Have you ever been engaged in a conversation with your spouse and, gradually, you feel like the discussion is becoming you asking for permission? Whether it's taking the kids to a new place, or jumping in the family van for some four-wheelin', you kind of think, "I shouldn't have to ask permission."

Consider the possibility that when you find yourself feeling like you're asking for permission, you may be compromising your spouse's comfort.

• How would the conversation change if you said, "I feel like you're not comfortable with this idea. Can we talk about that?
• You may not have to ask permission for everything from your spouse, but shouldn't you seriously consider a change of course if it creates a significant reduction of their comfort?
• How can you navigate the conversation to put it back on a level where one is not feeling belittled and the other is not feeling discomfort?

Prayer for Peace

Feedback has come. After the last meeting summary went out, an attendee suggested we use the following prayer to begin our meetings. Just one read is all it takes to see the relevance of the message to our goals. Thus, it shall be included.

Lord, make me an instrument of Your peace. Where there is hatred, let me sow love; where there is injury, pardon; where there is doubt, faith; where there is despair, hope; where there is darkness, light; where there is sadness, joy. 

O, Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console; to be understood as to understand; to be loved as to love; For it is in giving that we receive; it is in pardoning that we are pardoned; it is in dying that we are born again to eternal life.

Typically known as the "St. Francis Prayer for Peace," this moving passage has a little bit of history that you can read about here.

Around 1920, the prayer was printed by a French Franciscan priest on the back of an image of St. Francis with the title 'Prière pour la paix' (Prayer for Peace) but without being attributed to the saint. Between the two world wars, the prayer circulated in Europe and was translated into English. Its has been attributed the first time to saint Francis in 1927 by a French Protestant Movement, Les Chevaliers du Prince de la Paix (The Knights of the Prince of Peace), founded by Étienne Bach (1892-1986).

Some interesting info in that article, if you're interested.

Overnight Campout

Gentlemen,

I'm considering getting a campout organized, but I'm not sure who might want to participate, when it would happen, or how.

Do you have any thoughts?

Send me a message or leave a comment.

Meeting Summary

Date: Aug 3
Location: Premiere Custom Bath
Number in Attendance: 10

TOPICS
BRIEF LOOK INTO THE LOVE DARE
What is The Love Dare, by Stephen and Alex Kendrick? Action item to follow.

RESPONSIBLE USE OF TECHNOLOGY
Any tips regarding content or time management?
Also, Should you establish an Accountability Partner before you NEED one?

HOW A SPOUSE UNKNOWINGLY STARTS AN ARGUMENT
This excerpt from Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus by John Gray might be of use.

The Slight Edge: Turning Simple Disciplines into Massive Success and Happiness

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